Should You Get Back with an Ex
Let’s face it, we’ve all asked ourselves this question at some point in our dating history: ‘Should I get back with him/her?’
It’s a complicated question, and the answer depends on the variables and dynamics of each relationship. Apologies if you came here looking for a definitive answer, because you are not going to get one. What I can give you though, are some tips and thoughts about the situation from a general point of view.
You Can’t ALWAYS Listen to Your Friends
Keep in mind, the only person who knows your situation and the dynamics of your relationship is YOU. Friends and family can give you their opinions till they are blue in the face, and it’s easy to do so when their own feelings aren’t at stake or invested. That is also the problem with friendly advice: the person doesn’t truly know your feelings or what goes on behind closed doors in your relationship. When a friend of mine recently split with her long-term fiance, many of our mutual friends advised her: “You can do better,” “You are better off, he didn’t treat you very well”,”etc etc ad nauseam. I was the only one to sit down and talk to her about her feelings, beyond the typical “Are you okay?” This can also stand as a tip for friends: don’t EVER bash your best friend’s ex! They are now back happy and together, and the naysayers are now frowned upon.
If your friends are expressing concern for your safety and well- being, then you definitely should take heed. But if you get the feeling they are just giving you the typical best friend support by bashing your ex and being there for you, then start taking a look inside at your own feelings, as objectively as possible.
Don’t Put on the Rose-Coloured Glasses.
If you are seriously considering rekindling your relationship, then you need to be as objective as possible about your relationship from it’s beginning straight through to the final day. Don’t start romanticizing your relationship, and remember WHY the breakup happened. This is not to say you should fixate on the negative, because that wont help either, you need to look at the positives and the negatives of your entire relationship period. Looking too much at one side or another will taint your view and possibly push you to make a final decision before you are quite ready. One thing that may help (as cheesy as it may sound) is a Pro/Con list. If you find that you have less than 5 more pros than cons, you should definitely hesitate. The issues you had before will just rehash themselves, and you need to acknowledge and be aware of them if you expect things to work a second time around.
Ask Yourself Why You Think It Will Work This Time Around
You and your ex (hopefully) know and acknowledge the reasons why the relationship ended. But what makes you think it will work if given a second (or third) chance? Have either of you made any significant changes in your lives since you’ve been apart to warrant a review, or has one of you had some sort of drastic revelation about where they may have gone wrong, and are now accepting their share of the blame? If absolutely NOTHING has changed since the split, then you may want to consider why you want them back. Loneliness? Nostalgia? The same problems you had before will still be there for you, its whether you have changed enough to work through them together or not that is the question.
The Odds Aren’t in Your Favor
I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer, but in relationships where there’s a break followed by a reconciliation, the majority of the reconciliations don’t last. Either the people haven’t changed, haven’t changed enough, or they simply couldn’t work through the problems that caused it to crash and burn in the first place. You can be the exception the the rule, but only if you walk back in knowing the odds are against you, and are BOTH willing to put in the extra effort to make sure things don’t go south again.
Keep in mind also, that sometimes, love just isn’t enough in a relationship. It doesn’t mean that you are destined to be alone, it just means you are destined to find someone who is better suited to you.
