Admit it, we have all had a fight or two with our partners where we haven’t exactly played fair, whether its by bringing up a past argument, or walking away before the fight has been settled. These kinds of fights can happen, but the problem is when ALL of your fights turn out like this. A relationship should always be 50/50, and when a person starts bringing name calling, or passing the blame off themselves onto the partner, the relationship clearly isn’t equal.
Where does the attitude come from? Usually, it stems from a fear of losing control. The fight could feel so large that they are afraid of where it might end up, and so the best idea at that point, is to blame someone else.The fear and frustration has to get out somehow, and unfortunately, it ends up directed at the people we care the most about. The best thing you can do in that situation is to stop and think: “Is this the person the real reason I am upset right now? What has really caused my bad mood?” If it’s not your partner, maybe you need to leave the room and take some alone time, to prevent a disagreement.
*Did you know: the act of blaming can trigger a burst of adrenalin in your body.*
In today’s society, if we don’t have someone or something to blame, we don’t feel that we can learn or grow. Its like in grade school when they tell you, ‘You have to make mistakes to learn.” This implies that there needs to be a catalyst to learn or improve from. We have been taught this from such a young age, it seems natural as an adult to think that in order to improve your relationship, there needs to be a mistake made. This is totally not true! You do not need any sort of action or situation to occur in order to better yourself! Have you ever read an educational book, just for fun? Have you ever done an activity just because you felt like it, and were surprised that you learned something? The same thing applies to relationships! You can make your relationship better without having a flaw to pick at.
Here are a few basic tips on how to fight fair in an argument:
Take responsibility
Accept that an argument takes two people, and try to understand how you have contributed to the current problem. You may not think that you started it, or even that you’ve done anything wrong, but acknowledging to your partner that you may have exacerbated the fight can help calm both parties down. As long as you don’t say it in a patronizing way, that is. Also, don’t threaten to end the relationship over one fight, or argue just so that you can win the argument. Sometimes, even if you are right, the best course of action is to let the person vent and let the fight die out on its own. Try to be respectful of your partner’s point of view, even if you do not necessarily agree with it. Respect and Responsibility can go a long way to smoothing over even the biggest fights.
Avoid Name Calling
Name calling is the worst and most immature thing you can do when fighting with your partner. Remember, names will never hurt you, but they can make people question your maturity level. Which will lead to the question, “Are they mature enough to handle an adult relationship?” Even using a pet name for your partner sarcastically can be considered immature, so its best to either use their actual name, or dont use one at all.
Dont Talk Down
Talking down to your partner can cause them to feel that you don’t view them as an equal. When you talk down to someone, it implies that you view them as inferior, stupid, or childish. This is not the way you want your relationship to go, so try to avoid using certain tones of voice or vocabulary when fighting. Talking condescendingly and attacking your partner personally won’t solve the current problem, and it makes you look low. Relationships are all about equality, remember?
Leave the past in the past
Arguments from months past still leaving you raw? DON’T bring them up in the heat of another argument. Letting issues pile and pile up until they burst out during a completely unrelated fight are a sure way to cause long-term problems. You are simply adding more fuel to an already growing flame, and it may get to the point where you can’t put it out. It is going to put your partner on the defense, and they will likely come back out swinging with mistakes that YOU have made. You are better off focusing on the issue at hand, and saving any lingering past problems for another time.
